Tuesday, March 23, 2010

How TiVo Saved My Marriage

All right, I'm exaggerating. My marriage hasn't needed saving, but TiVo has made watching t.v. a more pleasant experience for me and my husband. And by pleasant I mean that at least now we get to watch a whole episode of something. It's never been a question of which show to watch. We both like a good mystery. No, the differences lie in how we watch television. My husband was brought up to believe that you have to hear what the actors are saying in order to follow along with the plot. I have never subscribed to his theory.

Pre-TiVo it went a little something like this:

Me, "The UPS driver did it!"
Husband, "That is the same shot of a street in Vegas they always show during the opening song and credits. The UPS truck just happened to be there. Can we please just watch it?"
Me, "Sure" and then five minutes later, "He did it!"
Husband, "Nobody has done anything yet. Anyway, he's the star of the show. The whole thing revolves around him. Please, let's just listen to it while we watch."
Me, "Wouldn't it be a great a twist if he did turn out to be a killer? After so many years of trying to get inside the minds of killers it's made him into one. I like that idea. The writers should do that story once."
Husband, "Great idea. Why don't you go write them a letter about it? And if you do it now I might be able to hear what's going on."
Me, "Hear what? They're only talking about the crime scene and anyway I just told you who the killer is. See that person? She once played in this mini series about the civil war. I think her character's name was Ashton. It was really good. They should release it on DVD. Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to watch this?"

Now, thanks to the magic of TiVo it only takes us an hour and a half to watch a one hour episode of Lost. Pause buttons are amazing. My husband loves it. He keeps his trigger finger hovering over the remote like a gunslinger ready to draw on an outlaw. Five minutes into an episode when I can no longer control myself and start shouting out, "Locke is good! No, wait, Locke is evil! Locke is a schizophrenic and these are characters in his mind! Oh, I know! Locke fell asleep after reading Watership Down and this is the world's longest dream!"
The hubby is fast on the draw. Paused until I run out of things to shout at the t.v. He may even have time to make a snack or build a set of shelves out in his workshop. Eventually, I'll notice he's gone and the t.v. is frozen.
"You ready to start watching it again? I'll stop talking." I tell him.
He recognizes this for the lie that it is. But, he's good natured, so he settles back down on the couch. Minutes tick by and suddenly I feel the need to try guessing what the actors are going to say before they speak.
"Kate's asking Sayid to help her. He'll say 'We took a vote while you were sleeping and no one likes you. Your turn to die.' No, he's not saying anything. Here comes, Locke. He'll tell her to go live on the other island. No, he didn't. What's wrong with these writers anyway? It's like they're just phoning it in."

And, Pause. And husband exits out the living room. And, wife is still talking to the t.v. And, cut, that's a wrap people.
Did I mention the rewind button is equally amazing?

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